Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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