I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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