Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
