Pants 0. Shit 1.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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