Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
