Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
