she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
