WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
