I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
