I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i think i just lost a toe
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
