If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
