my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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