You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
