I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
