Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
