i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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