In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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