So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
