that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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