why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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