Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
