Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
