if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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