Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
