It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
