dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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