The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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