Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
