I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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