now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
