My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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