I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
