Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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