If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
