my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
