I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
