Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
