I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
