Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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