I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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