I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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