He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
