I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
These tits shall not be calmed
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