We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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