Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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