Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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