i just had sex bonerless
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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