Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
