The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
