so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
